I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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