at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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