Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
