Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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