So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
