So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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