I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize