So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
