Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
