New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
