Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
