Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
