Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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