how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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