he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
