I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the condom got lost in my hair
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
