You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dear god my vagina.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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