Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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