halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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