how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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