I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
