You made me cry and you don't even care
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
