Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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