i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
