is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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