Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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