the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
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