I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
