Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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