i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize