please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
