Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize