cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
