Whatcha textin bout Willis?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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