Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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