oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
