mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
