This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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