Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Terrible idea I love it
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
