I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
