Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
