There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
