I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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