When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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