I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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