Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
