We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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