Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
