is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
