I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
There r osticjed everywhere
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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