I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
