I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
