Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
