I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
