I heard we made out
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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